Cartman The Man
by heartattackkkkk
Summary: This is seen through the eyes of Eric Cartman, based on the JoJo Rabbit movie because I wanted to do a parody. He is an avid member of the Hitler Youth and discovers his mom, Liane, is hiding a Jewish boy called Kyle behind a false wall in their large house. His initial horror turns to interest, then love and obsession. He is the only one aware of Kyle's existence.
1. Chapter 1

**AN- If this is not your cup of tea, ew walk away. Otherwise, continue reading!**

**Cartman The Man**

**Chapter One - Best Weekend Ever**

I got dressed into a brown buttoned shirt, badges pinned, belt tightened, my neck kerchief tied, my socks pulled up, my hair combed, and my shoes clicked together. One foot stomped down hard onto the floor.

At first, I thought I was a hero. I was a ten year old boy, and my room was covered with Nazi posters which included a picture of Adolf Hitler. At the time, I was a little Nazi. I was told that there was nothing worse than a Jew.

I stared in front of the mirror and took a deep breath.

"Eric Cartman. Ten years old. And today you join the ranks of the Jungvolk in a very special training weekend. It is going to be intense. But today you become a man, even if you were a man before. You're just a bigger man." I took a deep breath. "I swear to devote all my energies and my strength to Adolf Hitler. I am willing and ready to give up my life for him, so help me God."

A figure passed behind me then. He was an adult, also dressed in a Nazi uniform. It felt ghostly and fantastical. The guy was Adolf Hitler.

"Yeah, man. That's right." He said to me. "Now, Eric Cartman, what is your mind?"

"A snake mind." I said.

"And Eric Cartman, what is your body?" He asked.

"A wolf body." I said.

"And Eric Cartman, what is your courage?" He asked.

"A German soul." I said.

"Yeah man. You're ready." He said to me.

"Adolf, I don't think I can do this." I said.

Adolf Hitler was my imaginary friend at the time. However, it was not the Hitler we were all used to, because he was imaginary and therefore only knew what I knew. He was a charming buffoon who floated through life with carefree, whimsical abandon.

"What?!" Adolf exclaimed. "Of course you can. You're big-boned, Eric. And you can tie your shoes without adult supervision. You're also the best, most loyal Nazi I've ever met. Not to mention you're incredibly handsome."

I smiled because that made me feel better.

"Now you're gonna go out there and have a great time, okay?" Adolf told me.

"Okay." I said.

"Okay, that's the spirit! Now, Heil me man."

"Heil Hitler." I said.

"Come on," Adolf encouraged, "you can do better than that!"

"Heil Hitler." I said.

"Just throw it away. Don't even think about it." Adolf said.

"Heil Hitler!"

"No, you're over thinking it." He said.

"Heil Hitler!"

Then we started jogging on the spot.

"Yay, now you've got it!" Hitler said.

Then I said, "Heil Hitler," about a few times.

"Oooh, have a great day! You're going to be the best. You can do it!" Hitler said.

We screamed like war pigs and I sprinted out the door.

"Heil Hitler!" I went out screaming a couple more times.

I was running through my hometown then. There were screaming fans, supporters, people crying and women fainting while I skipped happily down the street. I passed by various locals and then met my best friend, Kenny Mccormick, who was also ten. He was scrawnier than I was and waited for me at the doorway.

"Heil Hitler, Kenny!" I said to him.

"Heil Hitler!" He said back to me through his muffled parka. "I'd like to bang his wife."

"Shut up, Kenny." I said to him. "Are you ready for the best weekend ever?" I asked.

"Yes, I am, Eric!" He said.

"Let's go!" I said.

We ran off together and continued to Heil Hitler with everyone we met. Because everyone else was doing it, we didn't look like idiots at the time.

Then we were in the woods later on. It was camp.

Kenny and I sat with a large group of other young kids who were dressed in Hitler Youth uniforms in a field.

There was a captain who was disillusioned and addressed the crowd of kids. He had a dead eye and was accompanied by an awkwardly enthusiastic sub officer. There was also a British female instructor.

"Heil Hitler, guys." He said to us.

"Heil Hitler!" We all chanted back.

"Jungvolk, welcome to the Hitler training weekend in which we will make men and women out of all of you. My name is Captain Klenzendorf and you may call me Captain K."

"Captain K!" I called him.

"Woohoo!" Kenny exclaimed.

"And this is our sub officer, Finkel, and Rahm." There was a beat and then he continued. "So, a little about me. Why am I teaching a bunch of titty-grabbers-"

Kenny started laughing then. "Titty-grabbers. Yeah, that's definitely what I am!" He chuckled through his parka. "Cartman, you haven't even touched a pair of titties, have you?" He taunted at me.

"I have so!" I said defensively, though I really hadn't.

He continued. "-instead of leading my men into battle towards glorious death?"

"Death isn't glorious." I heard Kenny mutter through his parka.

Because Kenny died all the time, he knew death wasn't glorious, but at the same time he didn't have to really worry about dying like the rest of us.

"Stop your bitching!" I scolded at him and smacked him on the head.

And he did.

The counselor continued. "Great question. Well, I've asked myself why I've lost a perfectly good eye in a totally preventable enemy attack. And according to my superiors, you need two eyes to be a meaningful part of the war effort."

"Well, looks like I've got two eyes, so I'm already a meaningful part of the war effort." I gloated.

"Good for you, kid." He said.

Then he picked up a rifle and quickly fired a shot, hitting a target while we all cheered.

"Over the next two days you kids will get to experience what the German army goes through every day." He explained.

"Cool. An army." I said in awe.

"And even though there isn't much hope in winning this war," he continued, "I'd say we're doing just fine."

"Just fine!" I repeated.

"Anyway," he continued, "you boys will get daggers."

We all inspected our new knives.

"These are very special and expensive. Try not to stab each other. No stabbing!" He said out loud.

"Okay. I'll try." I said, because I was pretty sure I was going to end up stabbing somebody.

What else were we supposed to do with a knife if it weren't that?

"Today you boys will be involved in lots of activities such as marching, drills, grenade throwing, trench digging, map reading, gas defense, camouflage, trap setting, ambush techniques, war games, firing guns and blowing stuff up."

"Cool. We get to fire guns!" I said excitedly.

"Woohoo! Guns!" Kenny cheered.

"Yeah, just don't blow yourself up, you poor piece of crap." I laughed at Kenny.

He smacked me and I gave him a look and stopped laughing at him. At least we weren't stabbing each other because they told us not to.

There were huge cheers from us, and Kenny and I smiled at each other, because this was going to be awesome.

**AN- Review if you'd like! Thanks for your time.**


	2. Hitler's Personal Guard

**Chapter Two - Hitler's Personal Guard**

"The girls will practice important womanly duties such as dressing wounds, making beds, and learning how to get pregnant."

There were groans of disappointment from the girls, because they had to make beds while the boys were going to blow stuff up.

"Ha!" Cartman cackled. "Girls can't shoot guns or blow stuff up!"

"Maybe I can help a girl learn how to get pregnant in two days." Kenny said through his parka.

"Shut up, Kenny." Cartman said.

"Alright, let's get to it."

The crowd of kids saluted and started screaming in excitement. The older boys started yelling at smaller kids, rounding them up and being Nazis. If Kyle, the boy Liane was hiding in her house in the fake walls were to see this, he would've thought they were all idiots. Yet he was the one who couldn't leave the house because there was nothing worse than a Jew to a Nazi.

"On your feat, you little Nazis!" The leaders said. "Let's go!"

"Move, move, move!"

There was more screaming from the kids.

"God help me."

It was the Hitler Youth training camp. Neither of the kids wanted to grow up. Cartman and Kenny were training with the others. A bunch of kids tried to climb over obstacles and under nets. It was mayhem.

There was knife throwing next. Cartman and Kenny stood around in a group of boys throwing their knives from 10 feet into a tree.

None of the knives stuck and instead they flew off at dangerous angles, one ricochets, which lodged itself into another kid's thigh.

Then they were at the gun range. Cartman and some other kids aimed their KARABINER 98k rifles at a target in the distance. Cartman fired and jumped from the loudness of the shot and then dropped the rifle. Then there was the war game, because it seemed as if the war was never going to end. The boys were separated into two groups. One side wore red sashes and other green. They chased each other around a clearing and pushed each other over and took prisoners.

Cartman and Kenny were taken prisoner instantly. An older person looked at them with disappointment.

It was the afternoon at the Hitler Youth camp. Cartman was sitting in a group of boys and girls. One by one, sometimes overlapping, the children called out.

Their teacher was proud of them. On a blackboard, above them was a heading: THE JEW.

"Excellent work, children! You also forgot that the Jew is the offspring of Satan." The teacher said.

"The Jew is the offspring of Satan?" Cartman repeated out loud.

"That's right!" The teacher said. "The Jew sucks the blood of Christian children for their mitzvah."

There were gasps from the children.

"I don't wanna be Christian if the Jew is gonna suck the blood out of me!" Kenny said.

"It has been scientifically proven," the teacher continued, "that we Aryans are 1000 times more advanced and civilized than any other race."

"We don't really look 1000 times more advanced and civilized than any other race." Cartman said.

"Shut up, kid!" The teacher said.

"Yes, sir." Cartman said.

There were gasps and the children applauded the teacher who smiled.

"Now, get your things together, children!" The teacher said. "It's time to burn books!"

"Books?" Cartman said excitedly. "I hate those things! Let's burn them, dude!"

"Yeah!" Kenny cheered.

"Yay!" Cheered the other children.

It was soon dusk. There was a large bonfire. The children held the stack of books. Cartman opened his bag and pulled out a large pile, while Kenny pulled out a smaller pile than him.

"Is that it?" Cartman taunted him. "Only four books?"

"It's all I could afford." Kenny said.

"Oh. Right." Cartman scoffed. "Let's burn these losers."

Cartman threw the books into the fire, then Kenny did the same and the other children. The children skipped and danced around the bonfire, the little demon children, who threw the books in the inferno while the teacher cackled manically.

Then it was night at the camp. The tents were glowing under the night sky.

Cartman and Kenny stayed awake in their sleeping bags. They were inspecting their new knives.

"Man, I wish I could use this thing in a real battle." Cartman said as he flipped the knife back and forth proudly. "I could take down twenty of those Jews even without ammo. I'd be laughing so hard when I did."

"I don't like that situation." Kenny said. "I don't want to die at all."

"We must die laughing, Kenny. That's the motto." Cartman said.

"I don't know if I can die laughing, Cartman." Kenny said through his parka.

"Well, you will." Cartman said.

"I'd probably be screaming, not laughing, Cartman." He said.

"Then it looks like you're not really cut out for this." Cartman said. "Hitler is going to choose me as his personal guard. Especially since I have perfect vision. My eyes aren't glassy at all. And I've got perfect teeth!"

"What about the fat?" He asked with a cackle.

"That doesn't matter. I'm big-boned!" Cartman retorted. "Jews sound scary, huh, Kenny?"

"Yeah." Kenny said.

"Not to me." He said. "I'd kill a Jew like that if I met one." He tried to snap his fingers.

"But how can you know if you saw one? They look just like us." Kenny said.

"Their nose." Cartman said. "They've got hooked noses, Kenny, and it's _not_ a racial stereotype. I'd know. They smell like Brussel Sprouts."

"Oh yeah. Gross." Kenny said.

"Imagine catching a Jew and giving it to Hitler." Cartman continued. "He would definitely make me his personal guard!"

"Oh yes, he'd be so impressed." Kenny said.

"Then we would become best friends." Cartman said.

"I thought we were best friends." Kenny said.

"You are my best friend, but you'd be my _second_ best friend." Cartman said. "He is reserved for first place."

"Okay, Eric." Kenny said.

Cartman rolled over and stared at the sky. The next morning was going to be awesome again.


End file.
